"But YOU Do It Too!"

Why pointing fingers doesn't win arguments

🔥 Hook

Picture this. Your mom says: "You need to stop staying up until 2am, it's bad for you."

You fire back: "You literally watched Netflix until midnight last Tuesday."

She goes quiet. You feel like you won.

But did you? Did anything she said become less true?

Nope. You just found a way to not answer it.

That move has a name: Tu Quoque (pronounced too-KWO-kway) — Latin for "you also." And it might be the most common argument trick in every family, school, and comment section on the planet.

🧠 What's Actually Happening?

Tu Quoque is a special type of Ad Hominem. Instead of attacking who someone is, you attack what they've done — specifically, you accuse them of doing the same thing they're criticizing.

The logic feels airtight: "If they do it too, then they have no right to tell me not to."

But here's the crack in that logic: whether someone is a hypocrite has zero effect on whether their point is correct.

A doctor who smokes can still give you accurate information about lung cancer. Their hypocrisy is a separate issue from the medical facts. You can call them out for being a hypocrite and take the advice. Both things can be true at once.

Tu Quoque lets you dodge the message by attacking the messenger.

📱 Real-Life Scroll

At home:

"You need to exercise more."

"You haven't been to the gym in six months!"

Online:

Someone posts about reducing plastic waste.

"Cool, but you flew to Bali last year. Hypocrite."

School:

Teacher tells you to stop being on your phone.

"You were literally on your phone at the start of class."

Politics Twitter:

Party A criticizes Party B for something.

"Your party did the EXACT same thing in 2019."

Friend group:

"You were really harsh to them."

"Oh, and you never say anything mean? Sure."

Notice something? In every single example, the original point never gets addressed. Plastic waste is still a real problem. Being on your phone still probably isn't great. The point stands.

🔍 How to Spot It

The giveaway phrases:

• "You do it too!"
• "What about when YOU..."
• "Look at yourself before..."
• "That's rich, coming from you."
• "Okay but didn't you also..."

The pattern: someone makes a point → instead of engaging with it, you shift attention to something they did.

The test: Remove the person making the argument entirely. Does the argument still hold? If yes, Tu Quoque didn't beat it — it just distracted from it.

Also watch out for: Whataboutism — the political version of Tu Quoque. Country A does something bad, and instead of addressing it, someone says "What about when Country B did that thing?!" Classic deflection. Totally different issue. Still happening.

💬 The Difference Between Tu Quoque and a Legitimate Point

Here's where it gets nuanced. Sometimes pointing out hypocrisy is relevant.

If someone is asking you to trust them, and they consistently do the opposite of what they preach — their hypocrisy matters. Credibility is real.

But there's a difference between:

• "I don't trust your judgment because you don't follow your own advice" (might be valid)
• "Your argument is wrong because you're a hypocrite" (not valid — those are separate)

You can say "That's fair, and also: why don't you follow your own advice?" — tackle both. Don't let hypocrisy be an excuse to never engage with the actual point.

💬 What You Can Do

When someone hits you with Tu Quoque:

Option 1 — Separate the issues:

"You're right, I'm not perfect either. But that doesn't make what I said wrong, does it?"

Option 2 — Acknowledge + redirect:

"Fair point about me — let's talk about that separately. But first — what do you think about what I said?"

Option 3 — Name it:

"That's about whether I'm a hypocrite, not about whether the argument is correct."

And when YOU are tempted to use Tu Quoque: ask yourself if you actually have a counter-argument. If not, say so. "I don't have a good response to that right now" is more honest — and more respected — than deflecting.

🎯 Your Challenge

Next family argument: catch it happening.

You don't have to say anything. Just notice. When someone makes a point and the response is "but you do it too" — ask yourself silently: did anyone actually deal with the original point?

Then, if you're feeling brave:

Pick one moment this week where someone (or you!) used Tu Quoque. Write down:

• What was the original point?
• What did the Tu Quoque response do?
• Was the original point ever actually answered?

Ultimate challenge: Next time you feel the urge to say "but you do it too" — pause. Do you have an actual counter-argument? If yes, use that instead. If not, you can say "I don't have a good answer right now" — and mean it.

It's harder than it sounds. That's why it's the challenge. 💪